why is life so difficult? uni. friends. love. camp. comfort zones. bitching. money. work. just life.

i'm feeling really depressed.

i'm tired.

i can cry anytime.

what's new? i'm just so tired of trying to fit in. tired of trying to make everything work.

i don't know who to talk to. who to trust. what to do to make my life better.

i'm such a failure. and i can't talk to you anymore. i don't know who to talk to.

i'm very disappointed.

please god help me. lead the way. i feel so useless, like a waste of space. i'm desperate.

today i cancelled tuition because i wasn't up to it. i feel sad. miserable. pain.

in the past, when i watch romantic movies, i wasn't scared. when they kiss and hug and do romantic stuff together, i felt lucky and fortunate, that i have somebody so perfect for me to do all these stuff with.

now, i cringe at every inch of romance. i blink my eyes so hard to wash the images of the actors and actresses away. because i no longer have it all. i no longer have that person whom i thought was the best for me. even a small hug, the holding of a hand makes me want to cry and throw up.

so much has changed. i feel really lonely.

i no longer look forward to class outings, gatherings, chalets because it hurts so bad to see and experience those changes. i don't think i can take it. i may break down.

and why i feel all these, is because i loved too hard. i loved with all my might without caring about the consequences. and now, its hard to break away.

when you had something so good and something which you thought was perfect, and that something is taken away from you, everything else feels mediocre. you won't get back that 'perfect' again.

i was happy, and now, i don't think i can get that happiness back again. something will always be gone. a part of me will always be missing, destroyed, and taken away.

i pictured us getting married, living together etc. you don't know how far into the future i thought about us. until we grow old, with grandchildren. not once did i think of trading you for another guy. i lived my life around yours. because i thought we would last. the fights and quarrels. the reason why i don't think they are a big deal is because i thought we would be together forever and a quarrel would never break us up. i had that much confidence. its like we are married. something that small would not cause a divorce. that was the strength of the relationship, well, on my part.

and apparently, you didn't feel the same. you were always talking about not being able to live like this anymore. about breaking up. about other girls. about wanting to have fun. about being still so young that nothing is permanent. about how you don't know what the future holds.

and that's why we are different. well, for me, i sure do not know what the future has in store for us, but i'm determined to make us happen. and that was my supposed future.

i'm that naive and silly and stupid to think that we will be together forever.

it all boils down to me loving you more than you love me. i refused to accept that fact before because it hurts to think that you don't love me as much. but now i do, because the truth speaks for itself. which is why we are down this path.

i don't know when i will be able to love again. i'm not being pessimistic, but i have a feeling...

maybe never.

because when you left, besides the hurt and the ache, my confidence shattered. i don't feel good. i don't feel like i'm up to being a good girlfriend. a girlfriend that somebody someday will want to have. because i tried and i tried really hard but it's not enough for you. and i don't know who will want such a girl like me to be his girlfriend anymore.

i'm never good enough. i may never be.

so, im off to camp tomorrow. feeling the jitters yet again.

but i read something from tumblr. and i feel the need to remind myself.

'fall in love when you're ready, not when you're alone'.

i'm going off to bed. i'm done being sad over you. i mean i still do, but its not good for me, and i'm not going to do it if i can help it anymore.

bye blog. thanks for being here. where i speak the truth cause no one can see this.

'there is nowhere i want to go with you right now'.

'i want you to come over so i can be close to you again.'

you know what? you sounded so much like a jerk.

a jerk indeed.

and based on that, don't drive to my house if you ever do.

and the other part of me who wants company is hoping you would drive over. fuck this shit. you know what? you're playing mind games again. you're so effed up.

and that's why i hate you.

i blame you

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I Will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way, to never let it get that far

Because of you
I'll never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake, a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I'll never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry
In the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I'll never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

hi

hi blog.

do you think i will get cheated? but its so easy to trust. and so hard to do otherwise. so easy to just believe. and go with it.

but i won't. cos i have no guts. and i worry. and i still think of you. its just that i force you to the back of my mind the moment you enter my thoughts and cloud my mind with another person who treats me right (for now).

still, its too fast for me.

i'm still not over you. i'm trying. but it feels like i'm using him. he said he doesn't mind, but i mind. god knows i mind. i feel freaking guilty.

guilty about everything. about how you might feel. especially when i can't even seem to accept you with another girl yet. what's this?

i wasn't even supposed to care. help.

take things slowly. company is good. company is just right. i don't want anything more. friends will do. nothing more. i'm not ready for this.

dear god

i'm just somebody wanting to love and be loved in return. why do you make everything so hard? i thought it was supposed to be simple. i hope it still is. i'm still carrying this tiny fray of hope. may my life return back to normal soon.

thank you for letting me have somebody i can lean on during this period. it really helps. at least i wake up feeling that there is somebody who cares a lot about me. thank you.

the past

i reread the entries i wrote when we were together. i was so happy. and then flash. all gone. gone. its all gone.

i drank a lot. really a lot, the most i have ever drunk. i'm sorry, i really am, but i couldn't help it. i was really sad. i cried. it hurt all over again.

but drinking makes me feel great. i don't care about you, your feelings, your plans. and its good because i have no right to care and i feel happy that i dont care as much. i feel on top of the world (: maybe its fake happy but at least i'm able to not care about you so much. its a start.

here's a smiley for you blog (:

thanks for being here when i needed someone the most (:

i'm sorry for drinking. but it makes me feel better. i will cut down. tomorrow is movie day. yay. and because i'm kind of drunk now, i dont feel as excited as i did before and this is great. i love drunkard me because i don't care about anything. this is good. of course i wont do stupid stuff. dont worry blog. i wont. i know my limits and i will be careful. drinking is but just a phase.

bye blog. for once, you have smileys on you. byebye (:

the night is hard

i thought i was doing fine today. woke up with a bad dream. even dreams catch up with reality. in the past, after we broke up, when i sleep, i could still go back to the times when we were together, i dreamt about the happy times we shared. now, i dream about our fights and quarrels and how we lost control in front of the class even when we are friends.

this is really difficult. im tunneling back to the past. i still cant get over this sick feeling. sometimes i still want to curl up and cry. wishing for somebody, anyone to hold me tight, to squeeze me so hard that i can't feel the tightening of my chest. sometimes i wish i am dead. there are times i really do wish i'm in a coma. just sleep through all my feelings, unaware of the hurt, of my surroundings. i hope i can have a mishap, where something happens, and put me in hospital, and i could just stay there. this is really stupid and selfish. but what i meant was its tiring finding the strength to go through all this pain. its a torture.

so many things running through my mind this instant. i tried so hard to be a good girlfriend. i really did. when i heard you dont want a relationship with just me, it felt like a blade just cut right through me. i really tried, i did stuff. i care about your feelings, i do. i was always thinking about you, putting myself in your shoes. sure, i did wrong things to make you unhappy but what about the rest when we were happy. it hurts again and again and again. that all i did for you meant so little. i put in a lot of effort. i daresay i put in more than you do. i really tried so hard. i tried and i tried and i forgive and i tried so hard to make you happy. but you were not, and i'm heartbroken. why can't you forgive and give me a chance? i would make it all right again.

forget it. i'm not suitable for you. just friends. i accept that.

this feeling in me, is indescribable. i give up on relationships. i tried so hard to make this work you know, blog? i wanted us to work, i dream of him as my future husband, i cared and i loved and i thought and i understood and i tried, with all my might. i really really gave him my heart and my soul. i trusted, i gave, i didn't even bother to protect myself. i gave, i sacrificed, i...

i put in my everything. i have no more faith. i'm distraught. all these memories. i hate them, it hurts. i am very sad. nobody understands. how long will this take, i can't take it any longer.

we ended our conversation with a happy note, but now, all i feel is that i'm a failure. you've said all that you can to make me happy. i was all right. but now...

i can't get over. i'm too tired. happily ever afters, i dont think they exist. i just don't anymore. i give up. i'm typing the same stuff over and over again.

i'm feeling terrible. the only one who can make me better is you, but you can't because you're not my boyfriend anymore.

fuck my life. i hate this. i hate waking up in the morning, letting all those memories and places and items that you gave me, cut my heart. why did i fail to protect myself. why. why. i am so stupid. i am really that naive. i am so stupid. i really am. i shouldn't have. i really shouldn't. i'll be careful the next time, maybe there won't be a next time. but i'll take caution when it comes to love. its just not worth it. i'm so stupid. and i didn't even prepare myself for your absence, i didn't even let myself imagine that we would break up. no, no, no. i just dive in. i dove, i fell, and you disappeared. you left. i chased and now, i can't catch up anymore. you're just gone. i let myself live in the bubble that we will live happily ever after. that we will be able to live a fairytale. make a fairytale come true. i so stupidly thought that we could surpass all obstacles. come to think of it, i don't understand how could i be so naive. i mean, what the fuck was i doing. i'm pissed at myself. never ever will i do that again. its all not worth it. i regret being like that.

love sucks. i don't even know why i still care so much about you. more than a friend definitely. i care that you are alone. i care that you are sad. i care that you are bored. why must my heart beat so fast when i have to wait to call you on the phone. why must i be so helpless and vulnerable. i never planned it to be this way. scarred and brokenhearted.

i shall go now. bye blog.

sigh

out to vivo today to celebrate kaiyi's birthday. it was not bad. but it triggered my heartache. we went to the boardwalk, its nice. saw lots of couples enjoying the breeze and the view. if only we could go there as a couple. but it would not happen.

ate at a restaurant, fig and olives i think. pasta was disappointing but its okay, at least its relatively cheaper. they played many familiar songs. too familiar. almost all are in your itouch. i tried to shut my ears and drown out the music.

i realise i desperately need songs of my own and places that do not contain memories of you.

tomorrow, i will go take a walk. been putting it off long enough.

i need more chick flicks. more.

saturday. no plans except for movie with you. looking forward but dreading it as well. i'm always scared to break down in front of you because you wouldn't know what to do. so i got to control. i've always been scared of crying in front of friends. i wasn't scared of crying in front of you before because you were my boyfriend and i could be my worst and weakest self when i'm with you. but now, i'm afraid of breaking down in front of you. mostly because i don't want you to be sad after knowing what is on my mind and then not knowing what to do.

i realise i've been typing as if you would read this. but its not because i want you to read it. its just easier to express myself this way, as if i'm talking to you.

yesterday's conversation was quite a disaster. cried myself to sleep again, thinking about the future where you would be interested in other girls, wondering what am i doing, going out with you for a movie. thinking about my life. but we are friends. so there's nothing that could not be solved, unlike in a relationship.

i know we can't get back together anymore. i just hope life treats you well. and if it doesn't, then hopefully i would be able to make it right. i don't want to give you troubles anymore. i'm so sick of making you feel shitty, be it in the past or after we broke up. sometimes i hate myself for screwing up.

chanced upon the letters you wrote, when you gave me skittles, and when i was asleep and sick after i came back from camp. they were so sweet that it pierced through the heart.

i had many wishes before, when we were together. i wish i could go to some places with you, do certain activities with you, do certain stuff for you, buy things for you as presents. i had those romantic ideas in my head, waiting for the right occasion to do it for you. i didn't think of fulfilling them asap because i thought we would have loads of time together and that we would spend the rest of our lives together. how stupid and silly.

i'm kind of tired. tired of life. tired of living. but i won't kill myself, its plain silly. i'm just tired.

i want to know my future

hi blog, today wasn't very good. i'm still quite sad, heart still feeling weird. so i planned stuff for tomorrow. going to try and enjoy with herms.

ohwell, i thought a lot about stuff lately. i have this urge to want to know everything about my future. i want to know who i end up with especially, my job, my family, my kids, everything. i watched FRIENDS so often and the reason why i liked it so much is probably because i want my life to be something like that in future. i want to have a group of friends that i can rely on and have a nice husband with great kids and we might not be so well-off but we can get by, and my husband wouldn't focus too much on work. he would come back with a smile on his face, and i can give him support and help him massage when he gets back. i don't mind just taking care of the kids, watching them grow up, cooking three meals a day. i feel like wanting to have a family. i feel like fast-forwarding my life to the future because i think that probably when i'm married, i wouldn't have to worry about that many stuff. maybe because everything which i am afraid off would no longer be there at that stage of my life. like, falling for the wrong guy, career, etc. i always believe i would have a happy family. having pets at home, and all. it all sounds so nice that i want to have them now.

i don't really know how to live my life at this moment. i hope we are doing the right thing, but only god knows. i really want to know what's my future like, so i can go about making the right decisions. but sadly, of course i know this won't happen. but that's what i feel right now. i'm thinking too much, i know. everybody is just going to tell me to enjoy life as it is now, yeah, i know. it's just what i want. i want to know who's my husband, and my future friends and everything.

but probably i wouldn't have a husband. maybe slowly, one by one, people around me would all start to get married and have their families such that i don't have friends anymore. i would probably be the last to be married, or i would have many failed relationships, or not many failed relationships, maybe no relationships at all. maybe then, i will move out, live alone, get a dog or a cat, and try to live life myself. learn new stuff, new languages, travel, backpacking etc. far-fetched. maybe i wouldn't even have the guts to do this. sigh.

life is hard. i'm going to be twenty this year. that's not young anymore. i just had a lot in my mind. comfort zones, camp, etc. at this time of the year last year, i also had pre-camp jitters and problems about friends and you never fail to make me feel better. but now, i'm alone and sigh. enough talking about us. i will just keep this in my thoughts.

bye blog. i'm still quite sad. i wonder when will this end.

heart ache

hi blog, i was feeling a bit better today. finally i can say that i'm better, but i'm always here because my heart isn't taking everything too well.

was out with wq in search for ky's present. i was able to stop thinking for some moments, but deep down i still know that there are certain things that i can't forget. the intimacy we shared, i just couldn't get over it. i opened myself up to you and that left me with a broken soul and now, i'm more cautious than ever before. i experienced all my first times with you except for sex and now, i really can't see myself doing the stuff i did with any other guy except you. maybe it's a matter of time. i hope so, but i just feel really disgusted and nauseous when i think of kissing another guy, of touching another guy's face when i kiss him, and a lot of the other stufff. it's just nauseating.

i was really tired when i got back home, i slept after dinner and i thought i could continue being happy and was getting slightly confident of moving on when you text and said you were sad and, my heart just sank. i guess its because sometimes, i tell myself to believe that you're doing well single and that gave me the strength to move on. but when you told me you were sad, i just, i dont know, my heart crumbled and it ached, for it pains me to see you that way. we may not be together anymore but i know i still care for you, i know i still love you, and most importantly, i want you to be happy. i really want you to be happy.

and now, when i think of you trying to sleep, 'putting your head under your pillow', it hurts. it hurts that this ended. i try not to think about it, but i don't blame you for making me sad tonight. i'm sorry that all these ended. i'm sorry for the things that i did wrongly. i look forward to being mature and being a really good friend to you, to give you advice, to teach you more about girls, to being open-minded... that's what keeps me going. we may not be a couple but we can be really good friends. its what i'm looking forward to.

and when my soulie is sad, it pains me to see him sad, you know blog? and when he said he felt like crying, i want to cry too.

life, please stop hurting the people i care about, and me as well.

i can't concentrate on my book when i'm feeling so lousy all of a sudden. sigh.

wish you are okay soulmate.

i love you.