i was guilty for saying that i feel the need to protect myself from you. i wanted to text you, to say that i'm sorry for saying that. it was selfish.

but i was right. it had to be done. you wouldn't come back to me and its useless for me to keep giving and giving because you won't give anything back. you just ask and ask and i couldn't refuse without feeling something. sooner or later, you would be gone, you would ask another girl for the things you ask of me. i'm not exclusive in your life, but you're in mine. i'm just an ex-girlfriend.

this must carry on. i need to harden my heart. it's too difficult to trust you again.

time and again, i have you lead me on. having my hopes dashed. i'm so confused. i want to be a friend and i try so hard to be your friend again. to show concern. but it goes on and on and i don't know how to stop. i wish you could understand. there's no solution to this. until time passes and wash away my feelings for you so i could feel the same way you feel about me - as a friend.

i don't know how not to be cold. i'm sad that it has to be this way and i can't be myself around you. i miss me. i miss us.

i'm very sad. i wish none of this happened. i wish we were still together happily.

nothing is going my way.

when we were together, i said i was happiest in vj. i'm not now. i've been blocking those memories from school. 43. late night conversations. it cuts deep into my heart. i don't feel happy anymore. i don't feel happy with the class anymore. i associate all of them with you. you bring me sadness, hurt, misery, disappointment. those two years in vj bring them too. i don't know how to live. when the guy that brought me so much happiness gave me much more pain.

i don't know anymore. i don't know what to do. i'm just crawling around in circles, finding a way to live but to no avail.

i don't mind dying.