the night is hard

i thought i was doing fine today. woke up with a bad dream. even dreams catch up with reality. in the past, after we broke up, when i sleep, i could still go back to the times when we were together, i dreamt about the happy times we shared. now, i dream about our fights and quarrels and how we lost control in front of the class even when we are friends.

this is really difficult. im tunneling back to the past. i still cant get over this sick feeling. sometimes i still want to curl up and cry. wishing for somebody, anyone to hold me tight, to squeeze me so hard that i can't feel the tightening of my chest. sometimes i wish i am dead. there are times i really do wish i'm in a coma. just sleep through all my feelings, unaware of the hurt, of my surroundings. i hope i can have a mishap, where something happens, and put me in hospital, and i could just stay there. this is really stupid and selfish. but what i meant was its tiring finding the strength to go through all this pain. its a torture.

so many things running through my mind this instant. i tried so hard to be a good girlfriend. i really did. when i heard you dont want a relationship with just me, it felt like a blade just cut right through me. i really tried, i did stuff. i care about your feelings, i do. i was always thinking about you, putting myself in your shoes. sure, i did wrong things to make you unhappy but what about the rest when we were happy. it hurts again and again and again. that all i did for you meant so little. i put in a lot of effort. i daresay i put in more than you do. i really tried so hard. i tried and i tried and i forgive and i tried so hard to make you happy. but you were not, and i'm heartbroken. why can't you forgive and give me a chance? i would make it all right again.

forget it. i'm not suitable for you. just friends. i accept that.

this feeling in me, is indescribable. i give up on relationships. i tried so hard to make this work you know, blog? i wanted us to work, i dream of him as my future husband, i cared and i loved and i thought and i understood and i tried, with all my might. i really really gave him my heart and my soul. i trusted, i gave, i didn't even bother to protect myself. i gave, i sacrificed, i...

i put in my everything. i have no more faith. i'm distraught. all these memories. i hate them, it hurts. i am very sad. nobody understands. how long will this take, i can't take it any longer.

we ended our conversation with a happy note, but now, all i feel is that i'm a failure. you've said all that you can to make me happy. i was all right. but now...

i can't get over. i'm too tired. happily ever afters, i dont think they exist. i just don't anymore. i give up. i'm typing the same stuff over and over again.

i'm feeling terrible. the only one who can make me better is you, but you can't because you're not my boyfriend anymore.

fuck my life. i hate this. i hate waking up in the morning, letting all those memories and places and items that you gave me, cut my heart. why did i fail to protect myself. why. why. i am so stupid. i am really that naive. i am so stupid. i really am. i shouldn't have. i really shouldn't. i'll be careful the next time, maybe there won't be a next time. but i'll take caution when it comes to love. its just not worth it. i'm so stupid. and i didn't even prepare myself for your absence, i didn't even let myself imagine that we would break up. no, no, no. i just dive in. i dove, i fell, and you disappeared. you left. i chased and now, i can't catch up anymore. you're just gone. i let myself live in the bubble that we will live happily ever after. that we will be able to live a fairytale. make a fairytale come true. i so stupidly thought that we could surpass all obstacles. come to think of it, i don't understand how could i be so naive. i mean, what the fuck was i doing. i'm pissed at myself. never ever will i do that again. its all not worth it. i regret being like that.

love sucks. i don't even know why i still care so much about you. more than a friend definitely. i care that you are alone. i care that you are sad. i care that you are bored. why must my heart beat so fast when i have to wait to call you on the phone. why must i be so helpless and vulnerable. i never planned it to be this way. scarred and brokenhearted.

i shall go now. bye blog.