fairy tales aren't true

chick flicks aren't true as well. its just a movie. there is no forever, they are lying. when you're in love, you believe that there is a happily ever after, and then you fall out of love, and everything crashes down and brings you back to reality. this is life. after all, nobody knows the future, so dont believe anything you heard, those sweet-nothings? they really are nothings.

you need to wake up. nothing will come true. sure, they meant it when they say that, they want it to happen then, but now what?

now, they are never going to come true because it was wrong to fall in love in the first place.

there is ONE single person out there for you and how do you know if the one you like/love/are together with is that person? yeah, you don't know anything. you don't know if he's the one that will stick with you till you die and only time can tell. time too, can tell if he's not the one, and if he's not the one, then what?

you'll just be heart broken once again, having to move on. i'm tired of moving on, of using all my strength to keep myself occupied just because of a failed relationship.

god damn it, i can't help it if i'm over dependent on you, if i thought you were my future when we were together. i can't help it if i wake up every single day with a broken heart. i can't help it if i wake up missing you. i can't help it if i feel so tempted to message you, to tell you the things i'd been through, to tell you random stuff like i used to before. i can't help not being able to move on like you did. i feel like i am always on the losing end.

you know, love sucks. i really don't want to fall in love again. i don't want to risk this pain that i'm going through, all over again.

i tell myself to move on. people tell me to move on. you tell me to move on. you think thats easy? when my whole life had been so much about you. i thought about us, about the future, about the sacrifices, about maturing, about kids, about life. dreams don't come true sherli. maybe they never do.

finished reading chicken soup for the women's soul. bunch of crap. life is hard. its not so simple like what you thought sherli. you don't just grow up, meet the person you love, get married, have kids, and die. there are many obstacles in between these phases, and you know? i don't want this anymore. plans don't work. they only make you reliant on them, and when they don't work, you will be lost. like what i'm feeling right now.

i said i don't regret knowing you, falling in love with you and then ending things. but now, i regret it. i don't want this hurt, this pain, this suffering. i don't deserve this. i never asked for any of this. i didn't, i really didn't. i regret liking you. i regret knowing you. i regret everything that i ever did. even those happy times, recalling them and triggering those memories are a torture because they no longer are happy memories. it cuts through your heart, your insides.

WHAM, BAM. that's reality for you sherli. wake up. you're probably not going to meet a better guy. you're probably going to be single. but so what? guys hurt your feelings. relationships are difficult. probably, just maybe, you will be better off alone. you have so many problems. who will want to be with you? i can't think of anybody who wants that. and the person whom you thought will never leave just left. so fucking wake up my dear.

i am calm. i need to state that i am calm, i am not angry. maybe just a tad frustrated. but watching THE BACK UP PLAN makes me really exasperated. that doesn't happen in real life. no guy is like that. no guy is that nice. i was frustrated because i once believed that fairy tales exist, but now i know they don't. took me long enough to realise that there are probably no happy endings in life. i am to blame for being so naive, so stupid and so ignorant. and it feels the movie is lying, to me, lying to everybody. this is ridiculous, i know. but that's what i feel.

nothing is good. don't trust. there's no happy ending. it all fails. it all comes to an end, and when you wake up one day, it might all be gone. there's no future.

life is not that simple. its not that smooth sailing. drill that into your head.

and now, after typing the above, i wished nothing ever happened that made me lose the hopes i once had for my future. i wished i was still able to hope for a happily ever after and live in the bubble that things will be all right. it will all be okay. i was happy not knowing what pain felt like. ignorance is really bliss.

i lost hope in life. it might not be that serious, but right now, this is what it feels like. it may be trivial in years to come, but now, it ain't that trivial.

i want to believe everything happens for a reason, and it will turn out all right in the end. but right now, i don't know how to. i think i need help. sometimes, i think i might need to see a counselor. because sometimes, i wished i needn't wake up in the mornings, i wished i could sleep forever and dream, i wished something happened to me so i needn't face all of this alone. they say i am not alone, but why is it that when i am on my bed, before i sleep and after i wake up, all i could think of was you you and you. i hate thinking about you. i hate it. because you dont think about me. you dont need me in your life. soulmates is but just a name.

if you ever read this, please don't blame me for feeling like that.

this time, i lost it. i lost a part of myself. i lost my heart. i lost hope. i lost belief. i am just an empty shell.

i am lonely.

i reread everything that i typed.

you know how i lose my temper and feel guilty almost immediately? this is exactly it. i don't have the guts to go through with that burst of anger, i'm timid.

i told myself, above, that there is no happy ending, nothing.

yet now, i still longed for a happy ending. i am crawling back into my bubble. i still have hopes. i think, after all, i am me, and maybe, no matter what happens, i would still be me. and 'me' means i want happy things to exist. i want life to be smooth sailing, i want everything to be okay. i will probably make a plan. i don't have a plan right now, but currently, all i hope is that, i would be over you soon because you would be. i don't want to compare, but sometimes i do that. and i know i have to move on. it's just, it's really difficult for me you know? i gave everything to be with you. i really put in everything. but enough of the past. its gone now.

i want to concentrate on my studies, no relationships for now, keep my heart hard, no more falling in love and being dreamy and all. get my life worked out. hopefully i would meet someone really perfect for me. and then we fall in love and we treat each other just right, and then we get married and have kids. quarrels would be inevitable, but there would be no underlying problems. we will have dogs. and then we will live HAPPILY EVER AFTER. yes, happily ever after. sherli, you need this. you are you, and you love happily ever afters. they make you feel like everything is worth living for.

sigh. i think i just opened my heart for more guys out there to hurt me. i just did. i really dont know what to do. let's just see how it goes for now.

bye blog, you've been a great listener.